When You Stop Trying to Manage Everyone Else’s Experience

 

I came across this quote from Yung Pueblo, and there was one line that really stayed with me:

“The magic happens after you accept that you can’t regulate other people’s emotions or experiences.”

I think this is something a lot of us spend years learning.

Especially if you’re someone who cares deeply about other people.

You want everyone to be okay. You don’t want anyone to be upset with you. You explain yourself when you feel misunderstood. You replay conversations wondering if you said the wrong thing. You try to smooth things over, fix situations, keep the peace, and sometimes even make yourself smaller so someone else can feel more comfortable.

And somewhere along the way, you can start living your life based on how other people might react to it.

You Are Not Responsible for Everyone’s Reaction

This might be one of the hardest lessons I’ve learned in midlife:

Someone can be disappointed in your decision, and it can still be the right decision for you.

Someone can misunderstand you, and you don’t have to convince them otherwise.

Someone can disagree with you without you changing your mind.

Someone can be unhappy with a boundary you set without that boundary being wrong.

And someone can have an entirely different version of an experience you shared—and you don't have to spend your energy trying to make their version match yours.

There is so much freedom in finally understanding that.

Stop Over-Explaining Yourself

I think many of us have a tendency to over-explain.

We want people to understand why we made the decision.

Why we said no.

Why we changed.

Why we walked away.

Why something hurt us.

Why we need something different now.

But sometimes, no amount of explaining is going to make someone see something from your perspective.

And that's okay.

You don't need unanimous approval to live a life that feels right to you.

Some People Won’t Get You

Another part of the quote says:

“Some people will get you, but what matters is that you get you.”

That one might be even more important.

Because the older I get, the more I realize that being understood by everyone is an impossible goal.

There will be people who think you're too much.

Others who think you're not enough.

Some will question your choices.

Some won't understand why you've changed.

And sometimes the very things that make you happiest won't make sense to anyone else.

But your life isn't supposed to make sense to everyone else.

It needs to make sense to you.

You Can Be Kind Without Abandoning Yourself

This isn't about becoming selfish or deciding that other people's feelings don't matter.

They absolutely matter.

We should be kind. We should have empathy. We should apologize when we've hurt someone. We should listen. We should care about how our actions affect the people we love.

But there is a difference between caring about someone's feelings and taking responsibility for managing them.

You can love someone and still say no.

You can be compassionate and still have boundaries.

You can help people without constantly rescuing them.

You can listen without fixing.

You can choose yourself without intentionally hurting someone else.

Those things can exist at the same time.

Maybe This Is What Authenticity Really Looks Like

For a long time, I think I thought authenticity meant figuring out exactly who you are.

Now I think there's another part of it.

It's having the courage to actually live like that person once you figure it out.

To make decisions based on your values instead of other people's expectations.

To stop constantly checking the room to see if everyone approves.

To trust yourself.

To let people misunderstand you sometimes.

And to accept that not everyone is going to come with you as you grow. 

There is something incredibly freeing about reaching the point where you can say: 

I know who I am. I know what matters to me. I know the kind of life I want to live. 

And then actually live it. 

Not perfectly.

Not selfishly. 

But authentically.

Because at the end of the day, you can spend your entire life trying to make sure everyone else is comfortable with who you are. 

Or you can be kind, help others, love your people deeply and still remember that this is your life too. 

And you are allowed to live it for yourself.