Fall is proof that change is beautiful

 

Think about the trees. The leaves begin to change, turning beautiful shades of red, orange, and yellow before eventually falling to the ground. Then the trees stand bare for months. And just when it feels like they have nothing left, spring comes and slowly, they become full again.

There is something about fall that has always felt like transformation to me.

When things start changing in my life, I tend to look back at all the other seasons of change I’ve already lived through. And believe it or not, fall seems to bring more change into my life than any other season.

I have bought four houses, and every single time I moved between September and November. I got married for the first time in October. I have started four different jobs in October. I got engaged to and later filed for divorced my second husband in October. Even my hormones seem to get the memo, because every time I retest them around October or November, my body seems to be thrown into some weird loop.

And probably the biggest change of my life happened in October: I became a mom 16 years ago.

That is a lot of life packed into one season.

When I look back at those moments, I remember all the emotions that came with them. Happiness. Excitement. Fear. Uncertainty. Sometimes all of them at once.

But with the perspective that only time can give us, I can look back now and see that every one of those changes became part of the life I was supposed to live. Some brought incredible happiness. Some were painful. Some didn't make sense while I was living through them. But every single one changed me.

And that is what I remind myself when life starts shifting again.

When things get hard, when plans change, when life takes an unexpected turn look backward for a minute. Not because you want to go back, but because sometimes you need to remember everything you've already made it through.

You can do hard things, even when you don't want to.

And here I am, stepping into another October and once again, life is changing.

I've been asked to take on a new role at work, doing something I wasn't anticipating. I'm excited about the opportunity. I'm nervous about the change. And yes, there's a part of me that wonders, What if I'm not successful?

Another big change this month is that my oldest son got his driver's license. On the surface, that might not seem like a huge life change for me, but it actually changes my day-to-day life quite a bit. For the last ten years, I have spent countless hours driving my boys back and forth to practices, games, events, friends' houses, and occasionally school. My schedule has revolved around where they need to be and when they need to be there. And suddenly, I don't have to do nearly as much of that anymore.

It's exciting. There is a freedom that comes with watching your kids become more independent, for them and for you. But if I'm being truthful, there's a little sadness mixed in too. Another part of motherhood that has consumed so much of my life is quietly changing. And then there is the worry. I don't even know if I can put that part into words. Watching your child drive away without you for the first time requires a level of letting go that I'm not sure any parent is completely prepared for. You spend years trying to raise independent kids, and then one day they actually start becoming independent and you realize getting what you hoped for can be both wonderful and terrifying.

And if all that change wasn’t enough, at the same time, for the first time in decades, I am truly single.

I technically got divorced two years ago, but the relationship didn't really end with the divorce. He moved out, but we continued dating each other. Until a few weeks ago.

So now I'm navigating another change: figuring out what life looks like without a partner.

I honestly can't remember an extended period of my adult life when I was completely on my own.

So, hell yes, it scares me.

But it also excites me.

Because for perhaps the first time in my adult life, I get the opportunity to figure out who I am not as someone's wife or partner. Not just as a mom. Not because of my job or what I do for everyone around me.

Just me.

Maybe that's what this particular season of change is supposed to be about.

The trees don't fight to hold onto leaves that are ready to fall. They let them go. They stand bare for a while, without rushing to become full again. And eventually, when the season is right, something new begins to grow.

Maybe we need seasons like that too.

Seasons where we let things fall away. Seasons where life feels a little bare. Seasons where we don't know exactly what comes next.

Because bare doesn't mean empty.

And change doesn't always mean something is ending.

Sometimes it means you're making room for what's about to grow.

So as I step into this time of year, I'm trying not to fear the changes happening around me. I'm choosing to trust them.

After all, fall has taught me something over and over again:

Change can be scary. Change can be uncomfortable. Change can be unexpected.

And change can still be beautiful.