When Protecting Yourself Holds You Back
As I sit here, thinking about what would have been my 7 year
wedding anniversary in just a few weeks, I’m struck by the reality of being a
43-year-old single woman, divorced not once but twice. That’s the first time
I’ve admitted it out loud. It’s a place I never imagined I’d be—never in my
wildest dreams did I think I’d face one divorce, let alone two. With this comes
a whirlwind of emotions: self-doubt, shame, and the aching belief that I’m not
good enough, not wanted, or somehow easy to let go of —feelings I know are tied
to deeper-rooted issues I’ll be working to unpack thought this year’s journey
of introspection.
In my second marriage, I held on to the hope that we’d
weather every storm together. I envisioned us at 80 years old, looking back and
saying, “Fuck, we went through so much, but we made it—we’re still here,
together.” Yet, despite that hope, I spent much of our marriage guarding my
heart, keeping pieces of myself hidden to avoid being hurt. I told myself I had
to stay strong/protected for my boys, focus on them, that they needed me more
than anyone else ever could.
I never let myself fully trust in our love until it was too
late. And now, as I sit with the pain of losing someone, the love of my life,
my biggest regret isn’t just the loss or end of our marriage—it’s knowing I
didn’t give my whole heart when I had the chance. I see now that guarding
myself didn’t save me from pain. The hurt is just as deep, and the what-ifs are
even harder to bear.
A powerful lesson from this experience is that protecting
your heart out of fear can keep you from fully experiencing love and
connection. Vulnerability may feel risky, but it’s essential for building deep,
meaningful relationships. Holding back to avoid pain doesn’t shield you from
it; it only adds regret to the heartache. True strength lies in allowing
yourself to be open, even when it’s scary, because love deserves your whole
heart.
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