The Uncomfortable Power of Empathy

 


Empathy is such an interesting thing. I’ll be honest—I’ve never been great at it. By nature, I’m a problem solver. I love solutions, game plans, and checklists. But lately, I’ve been realizing something: I don’t like the discomfort that empathy brings.

Empathy, by definition, is the ability to understand and share the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of another person. It’s about putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, recognizing their emotions, and responding with care and compassion. Sounds simple enough, right? Well… not exactly.

A few weeks ago, I had my first real revelation about empathy—and let me tell you, it’s uncomfortable and hard. My ex-husband was going through some tough stuff, and it was time for him to face it head-on. As often happens in life, when it’s time to confront something difficult, a tidal wave of emotions can come crashing in. As he started to process everything, I made a conscious decision: I was going to be empathetic. Not my usual problem-solving, Type A, life-coach, "let’s find the silver lining" self (okay, let’s be honest—I also tend to get defensive). Just empathy.

So, he started sharing what he was thinking. Then silence. Then more sharing. Then more silence. And that’s when it hit me—it is so uncomfortable to just sit with someone and show empathy. I wanted to fix it. I wanted to defend myself at times. I wanted to point out the positives. I even felt the urge to crack a joke to lighten the mood. Meanwhile, I was internally wrestling with how to simply be empathetic.

But instead of jumping in to fix or deflect, I said, "I’m here for you in whatever way you need me to be." And in that moment, I thought of Brene Brown in Dare to Lead. I might be butchering the story a bit, but here’s how I remember it: Brene’s daughter had her senior night for her sports team, and Brene was stuck at the airport due to delays. She tried everything to get home, but it just wasn’t going to happen. She was devastated. And her colleague didn’t try to make her feel better or sugarcoat it—she just said, "This sucks," and sat with her as she cried.

When I left that day, my ex wasn’t feeling any better about his situation. And honestly, I felt like I had completely failed at being empathetic. But a few hours later, he called me. He thanked me for giving him space to process his feelings and for just being there. That didn’t fix his situation or erase the emotions, but it was a huge step in the right direction—for him and for me.

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